After weeks of talking and build up the day approached. Borussia Dotorgmund had their 2nd ever game. Apologies if I get mentioned more than most but that is because I am more likely to remember about me bringing the ball out of defense and making surging runs.
Playing in the away territory again Leyton Orienteer.
The morning got off to a far from perfect start. Keiron, my ringer called me to arrange where to meet me. He was just topping his oyster card up and then hed be there less than a minute later he called again. His card was declined and he had no money and didnt know why.
Hemmo had also lasted posted on the forum at about 2 am saying Good Luck which begun rumours of a Doherty like no-show.
I met Josh at London Bridge and we bussed up to Liverpool Street. I met Dan (Conkers) and Seth. I brought Seth a coffee to say thank you for bringing the kit. We had a catch up before getting the train to St James where we met Keef and Scott (PLF). Scott had driven so said he would give Seth a lift with the kit. Luke (HoS) had left a vague message on the forum saying that he would meet us there. Unfortunately he never said where there is. After a bit of waiting we made the decision to meet him at the ground. Keef said he would walk with Dan, Josh and I. This was a good thing because Keefs directions were rather vague and we never would have found the ground otherwise.
Luke then text/posted on the forum claiming that he had got to St James and was now on his way. I may have dreamt this but I think he then went to the wrong ground.
Our dressing rooms were small to say the lease and kept things rather cosy with all the naked flesh trying to squeeze into their kits.
Next to join us was Jim who was looking rather bleary eyed and hadnt had a poo in about 3 weeks. Mardous and Burton were on the way.
Still no sign of Hemmo.
We warmed up by doing some passing and having shots at the goal. Behind the goal their was a massive hill full of nettles. Im not passing any comments but Jim did have a few nettle stings
HEmmo still hadnt shown and we had no ringers.
After being rather organised all week the wheels were falling off. We only had 10 men. Orienteer were good enough to give us a player called Rob. I wont comment too much but he was probably Orienteers Man of the half.
We lined up as expected. Burton looked like a player who hadnt played since Junior school with his trainers and gangly style. As expected, he got stuck in though he did a great job of turning the defensive line into a defensive zig-zag.
The pitch was short and narrow which meant playing our usual expansive style of football was difficult. The midfield couldnt get the ball on the floor anywhere near as much as we wanted too. Mardous occasionally got the time to twist and turn and Dan did well when he could find the space to start getting it down while Luke swept up everything in the middle of the park but fluidity just wasnt happening.
Orienteer had one game play. Get the ball to Slick Rick up front and let him do the business. A couple of early attempts were snuffed out by Dot Orgs defence.
Dot org did create an early chance when Scott twisted and turned a man only to find Jim who sliced it rather wide, this found our new un-honoury member Rob who did a great job for managing to give away a goal kick in a good position.
A highlight of the early exchanges was from an early Orienteer corner. A massive chap who was their right back was marking Keith so I went to get involved. Hes given me a couple of a little nudges befoe going:
The Libertines are shit mate.
bemused pardon?!
You heard me. Libertines were shit
ermm ok.
That 2nd album was really shit.
Ive got you rattled now. And youre shit at football.
Yeah. Alright ya fat cunt.
The corner was shit and went for a goalkick.
Eventually slick rick managed to beat a couple of players and after getting a lucky deflection from a tackle he found number 8 who fired into the corner.
Hemmo was still not here.
Orienteer nearly grabbed a 2nd with a stunning effort by Rick which involved taking one touch with his back to goal before firing a volley that shaved the outside of the far post.
Try as we could we couldnt get the ball down. Affectively playing with 10 men meant we never had the chance to put the our foot down and hold on to the ball. Orienteer looking to hit Rick as early as possible meant the defence was under immense pressure. Tomo was winning most headers and the Seth and Josh performed valiantly very rarely getting beaten and Burton was growing into his role when he was shouted at enough. Unfortunately a defensive lapse (probably) allowed Rick in and scored.
Dot Org were growing into the game. Tomo getting more space on the ball enabling him to find the midfield and Luke sweeping up everything in the middle and trying to get Mardous and Conkers more involved. Jim was also beginning to get more of the ball but we were left with half chances at best including an attempted over head by Tomo. Jim was in a better position to shoot but the bicycle kick was probably the better option.
Half time came and Dot Org were relieved too only be 2 down. Hemmo was still not here. I cant remember if we begun with ten men or 11. We did get a new player. He was slightly less useless than Rob because he nearly controlled the ball once.
After of all the talk of keeping the ball better it was given away straight away from the centre.
However, we continued to work hard and Scott had a great chance that 99 times out of 100 he would have scored from a miskick with ankle. Unfortunately he hit it too well and missed. The pressure kept up but Orienteer had chances of their own. Eventually after some hard defending a headed clearance only found the Orient midfield who eventually got the ball rolled to Rick (who else) who rolled it in. Borrusia Dotorgmund kept going like all true Libertines. Within minutes Scott had twisted and turned past a couple of players and passed it to Jim. Jim sold a couple of dummies before turning on a sixpence (which I understand is still legal currency in Scotland) and rolled it into the bottom corner. Jim looked as surprised as anyone that it had gone in and I did wonder if that might be what he needed to clear his constipation.
Dot Org started pushing forward and while we were creating chances so were Orienteer and some valiantly defending only prevented us from conceding more. Dot Orgmund did lose the shape a bit with the lack of substitutions we could make. Hemmo still not here. Josh had begun man marking Slick Rick with Jim dropping almost to left back meaning it was even harder for Orgmund to keep the ball. Tiredness was beginning to creep in with Burton making one rather cynical foul. SR finally took one of the chances, beating a couple of men and slotting it in for his hatrick.
Can I just add that Keith was at no fault for any goals and also made a number of good saves to help us keep the score respectable.
Tomo pushed himself up front for all of 2 minutes before realising it could easily become 10-2 without his leadership/defending skills.
The next goal (Hemmo was still not here to see this) is still being debated. Jim has fired in a cross, Scott has risen first and had a looping header go harmlessly wide. The keeper had other plans. He went to catch this harmless header. In doing so he defied the laws of physics but managing to throw it into the goal. Scott and Jim will claim the ball was rocketing into the top corner and the keeper nearly made an amazing save.
Dot org pushed forward valiantly. Tomo nearly connecting with a flying header from a Mardous freekick (after avoiding an attempted clothesline attempt) and Luke had a curler that narrowly went wide I wonder if Jim and Scott reckon that was flying into the top corner as well
Then out of the blue Hemmo turned up looking every part the saviour of football. We returned our foster player and brought Hemmo on in the right wing. His first touch was a pass. His 2nd touch involved booting it back into our own area after dot org had just got it cleared.
Unfortunately the pressure of chasing a goal in the last minutes enabled the player we returned to Orienteer after his unsuccessful loan period to score an open goal. Even though he did kick the floor first and it rolled off his shin.
The whistle went and dot orgs winning sequence was over.
The players felt we had our let ourselves down and a couple of extra players would probably have been the difference. That and a decent pitch.
As we got off the pitch, naturally, players wanted to know what happened to Hemmo. Seth didnt want to know. Seth proceeded to lay into Hemmo, telling him that if he was going to show up 10 minutes late then there was no point at all. Seth looked rather angry. Hemmo looked like he was imagining cats playing in clouds.
After it was calmed down we then posed for our team photo. Hemmo originally reluctant to appear in the photo. This may have been guilt or because he was still thinking about kittens. He got in the photo eventually and we all wondered off for a shower.
Josh had brought some beers which he managed to keep cold. There was also a collection of ebay cakes that Luke had brought with him. The joke was that he got hungry when he was surfing the internet and brought cakes but theyd only just been delivered. Probably not the best joke ever.
The showers werent exactly brilliant but we had had a good time checking each other out while sipping our nice cold beers in substandard showering conditions.
Keef joined us in the shower with his bright blue towel and casually tossed it on the floor. We were chewing the fat (not literally obviously), when someone observed that Keith had tossed his towel into the gutter that collected all the running water. Keith bent over to pick it up, and was saddened to see his towel limp and soaking wet. This meant he spent the rest of the afternoon moaning about his wet boxers.
Hemmo neglected the showers. I am guessing because Seth was in there waiting.
After that we ordered some cabs to take us to the Birkbeck. Seth hadnt yet murdered Hemmo and someone found a pack of Golden Virginia that Hemma was pleased to take off him.
The cabs took us too the pub where we all had some beer. We sat in the beer garden to break down the match.
I was voted Man of The Match for my commanding performance at the back but also the classy way I brought the ball out of the back. Probably.
We were disappointed that they didnt have sky to show the match but we battled on despite this. Seth amused us all by phoning his dad and opening with Yo! like he was in the 1980s.
Luke still hadnt shifted all of his cakes and was trying to pass them elsewhere in the pub.
Hemmo tried having a sneaky spliff. The best thing about this was Hemmo thought hed get away with it because it didnt look like a spliff but Jim and I both smelt it.
We also made a lot of jokes about Seth killing Hemmo and leaving him in his bag that had the kit in.
Burton said something hilarious about Keef being in Bloc Party. I cant remember what though. Everyone laughed but Luke and I giggled for about 5 minutes. Maybe Hemmo was getting us passively stoned?
I then got Keith to explain the Bloc Party story to Josh who didnt know. Keith obviously then spent hours telling us about it until Hemmo went All you bloody talk about is Bloc Party Keith. This made everyone laugh.
Except Seth. Seth had wondered off to find a pub showing the Arsenal game.
We also had a chat with the big Orienteer who seemed to think that his team was full of superstars and that they only didnt win by more cos they wanted to make a game of it.
We then left to find Seth. Seth gave us no directions and none of us knew where we were. We asked a man with 6 cans of Super Tennants and tattoos on his face for directions. He gave the correct ones.
I cant remember the name of this pub but we got a whip going. I was the whip-master. It took forever sorting everyones drinks out because people kept coming in late and needing to get money out.
Hemmo disappeared to get money for the whip he was last seen going into the mosque for a free tour and didnt appear for rest of the night. The fact Seth disappeared for a 15 minute period and seemed to be struggling to carry his bag afterwards is completely irrelevant
We then moved onto a pub thats name escaped me. If we thought we were lucky with the beer garden in the Birkbeck that is nothing to what we had in the unnamed pub. It may have been small but when you have a van in the beer garden you know you are in luck.
This pub was also showing Man City vs Fulham. It was easier getting conversation from the bar man reading his paper as he poured your pint than it was to get from Mardous who was engrossed in the most dull game ever. Eventually the excitement of the beer garden and the exciting football on offer meant most of us made our way to The Waterpoet to meet the other Top Boys. We all got on the tube to Liverpool St then walked from there. No idea why Seth wanted to walk past the river on the way but hey ho By this stage wed all had a few beers, the whip had gone. Keith went home to change his boxers. Keith begun claiming that Kele named his solo album after this incident hmmmm.
We watched the Man U Spurs game and got involved with various conversations. Which of none I remember. I think I talked to Ket for a while about teaching. I do remember Josh buying a round, calling me to help him, I sent Seth, Joshs card got declined and Seth had to buy the round. Brilliant.
by Tomo Meadowcroft
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